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Get A Little Help From The Studolphin

The Studolphin. Illustrated by Lynda Richardson
Get a little help with your Medicine degree from the Studolphin. Illustrated by Lynda Richardson

Nobody hates dolphins. Outside the healthcare habitat, these aquatic mammals demonstrate their friendly personality, effective cooperation and eagerness to help their fellow flora and fauna. And the same goes within the walls of the hospital; amongst all the ecosystem’s denizens, few are as loved as the studolphin.

What is a Studolphin?

Students may anticipate an encounter with the species, as simply mentioning an individual’s name will inspire the call of “Oh, you’re on your Medicine degree placement with (insert name)? They’re SO nice!”. You’ll soon realise that the studolphin is one of the top companions a student can have.

They’ll dolphinately help you out

Need notes for revision? Don’t worry, the studolphin has made you copies of everything it has.

Collaborating on a project? The studolphin will bend over backwards to accommodate your timetable, or failing that, it’ll have already finished its bit and will happily make a few suggestions regarding what to include in yours.

Need a skill signing off, but there’s only one opportunity between the two of you? The studolphin will take the bullet, stepping aside so you can cannulate the lovely elderly woman with veins the size of garden hose.

They’ll wait for the patient with spider-webs for veins to yank out another cannula, so they can make a valiant effort at a task on par with the 12 trials of Hercules. In summary, the studolphin would push you out of the way of an oncoming train, then apologise for creasing your placement shirt.

Don’t go angling for too much help

The only downside for any students working alongside studolphins is their Karmic balance. A studolphin’s karma is off-the-scale positive, and as a result, comparison between a student and a studolphin will leave the student coming off as the worst human in history – like an Adolf Hitler-Luis Suarez hybrid.

In fact, the studolphin’s relinquishment of opportunities isn’t as noble a sacrifice as first thought, given that it’ll simply expend an infinitely small proportion of its karma to conjure three or four more chances to practice within a matter of minutes.

They’ll give your Medicine degree a sense of porpoise

Despite the species being a treasured part of the Medicine degree ecosystem, they are also one of the most vulnerable. Their inherent politeness makes them easy prey for the Consultasaurus – their biting tone and disheartening language among the few attacks capable of piercing the studolphin’s protective karmic shell, exposing the creature’s gentle soul to further injury. The species is also easily exploited – their willingness to let others seize opportunities sometimes comes at their detriment.

This humble student is no studolphin – I would happily trample my medic comrades so I could take the first chance to get my AMTS skill signed off – but I recognise the need to protect the species. A student must try their best to reciprocate their selfless deeds, helping them in their struggle to survive. Be this by trading notes, letting them take opportunities to practice or anything else; medical students must unite to preserve this important but delicate species before it fades away.

Uploaded by Eric on 24 March 2016

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